How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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How actors in movies eat their food
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
#titanic
Yoga Matt
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them