I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
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[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied