I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
men are simple creatures
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days