kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Breaking news:
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually