When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.