Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice