Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
This could be us… but you playing
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field