You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica