Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
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Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.