[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*