Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
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Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
🤣
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.