I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash