[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Based Erika
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.