Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
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School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Siri, fight Alexa.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.