me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
just got my engagement photos
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.