Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
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No one: I can hear screaming
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang