cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
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I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My work here is don’t.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.