kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
#Caturday
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?