I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years