only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars