my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
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Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.