The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.