When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
the #horror is real!
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.