Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
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It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
drew a comic about my origin story
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.