“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
So creative 😂
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
step 6: release the wall snake
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.