I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
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i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.