judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled