*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Good morning y’all ☀️
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man