this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Does your wife know you’re single?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”