Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Is this you?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
A small tragedy.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.