[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Monday
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Monday Lisa
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.