Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
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Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.