*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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Cauliflower has a good publicist.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Swedish for common sense.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history