My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…