Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
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I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My spirit animal is fried chicken
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Kermit goes Blue.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.