Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.