Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
What the hell happened here.