[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
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Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.