the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie