I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
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Oceanography is all about current events
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Why is this me 😫
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.