The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up