older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I am patiently waiting for your email
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
dutch is not a serious language
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.