What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Growing out my freckles.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok: