[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
You Might Also Like
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Follow me for more life hacks.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers