Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
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Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
me doing my best
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings