If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Probably my best painting.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install