Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.