I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.