If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too