when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
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Running from your problems is cardio .
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
For anyone who needs this today
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
When your parents check you’re ok.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying